Tuesday, October 7, 2008

eat to please thyself, but dress to please others. - Benjamin Franklin

love the quotes from men's health.

ahhh yess.. for the record, i'm back here to blog within like, hmmm.. less than a week. haha.
good good, i should be maintaining this.

hmm many things have happened i guess. good stuff, bad stuff, they all come once in awhile. my luck has gone so bad at one point of time in the week i was questioning the decision to retain my chinese name 4 years back but hmmm, i shall believe in my ownself still.

what i'm gonna talk about today? hmm, confidence in myself.

yes, i realise one very glaring fact(no wc, i do have confidence problems sometimes, lol)

that when i have really low confidence in myself, i tend to screw up everything.

yes, i mean everything.

i realised that when i was mulling over last week's training session. where i played in 2 games, only to not even able to pass out of the handlers line.

yet was it not just one week ago, where i was scoring 1,2 points per game and playing at a higher level?

i realised something funny about myself. (its a wonder why people don't find me weird or anything)

that my confidence level has sort of a reset button. hahaha. every week i go back to training, i feel like as if i'm attending training for the first time. i don't know why. okay, maybe not the first time, but my confidence level always starts at rock bottom, and i always have the idea that i'm the lousiest amongst them when i go in.

its only after the warm-ups, drills, and pickups do i regain that feeling. and that explains my fluctuating performance levels during trainings and matches.

during that training we were against a full line of seniors. with boling and 2 others forming the cup against our line. i sometimes wonder if i have too much respect for the seniors. they always seem so up there, so good, or it might just be me. i cant get rid of that feeling, to treat them like teamates, instead of betters. not because i wanna disrespect them, but rather because its hard to play against them without the confidence i have. twice they pressured us, twice i screwed up.

theres a world of difference between my playing level when i'm high on confidence(or high on adrenaline, lol) and when i'm totally low. i do things that surprise even myself, like that layout score during last last week's training. and things that i have no idea why i can't do, like stoning there and unable to pass the frisbee out during that match.

i really want to improve on my composure, but hell, i have no idea how, i guess it comes with experience. shall try my darndest still. hahaa.

well another thing about my confidence is prolly with girls. lol.

if i could help it, i'd never want to take that first step out unless i was 99.99% sure of success. but hey no pain no gain they say. still..

i won't want to elaborate a lot on this point, but lets just say we'll see how long you last, shall we.

there are many other thoughts swirling about my mind, but i'll put it off till another day, its coming 1am and theres training tomorrow.

there's a HK tourney coming up soon. though only 15players are gonna get chosen and i'm pretty pessimistic about my chances(including seniors leh!), i'll still go out and do best, i'll show them. one day, i'll be better than them. one day, i'll do something noone has ever done. (:

nights people, ciaos.

did you feel anything that day? because i sure did.
as weirdly as it started, its coming to something.
all i await is a sign.
but don't think i'm a fool, for i'm not falling for the same trap again.
if its a game of patience and fooling around, i'm more than willing to match you.
mark my words.

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