Sunday, January 4, 2009

its abit late. but i guess its time for a small update.

life's been fine, i guess. its been very aimless these days.

its been work.home.rest.sleep. and on and on again. i'm really feeling very aimless now, i don't know what should i look forward to the next day.

life used to be school.fun with friends.after school.fun with CCA friends.home. and again and again. eventually the short cycle would be disrupted by exams, thus, in a way, making me treasure school that much more.

i used to think 'hey FYP and attachment should be fun, i'm so looking forward to this'

until FYP started.

then FYP came and went by. and i found myself seated in LTS-2 awaiting the briefing for attachment.

i was actually excited for awhile.

then finally FYP ended. and i was kinda looking forward to attachment, thinking that 'with some supervision i should be learning something and it should be interesting.'

if only i knew.

its been 6 weeks since i've been with the company. and i can say i haven't learnt much. or anything at all.

work has been so monotonous i find it hard to motivate myself to wake up for work, as if it wasn't hard in the first place already.

life hasn't been any better either.

i'm really at a loss at what to do now.

life is so terrible, and everything is just going wrong.

i've been in Frisbee for coming 9 months now, and i've seen people improve so much since the start. yet i haven't. why? am i less talented in any way? am i not putting in enough effort? what is wrong with me? i really don't know.

i really shouldn't be saying all this, but.. well.. i have to.

i wanna be a better player. i wanna be more important. but somehow i just can't be better. i feel so shitty. its like, why can't i get better faster? i'm just not improving at all. or not noticeable at all.

there was even talk of recruitment for Singapore's youth Ultimate squad.

youth squad my backside when i can't even make the first team for my school.

am i just useless? i really don't know.

i'm constantly tormented by the fact that i didn't make it to a proper JC.

i'm constantly tormented by the fact that, 'shit, you never even studied properly in poly'.

intelligence may not be proven with academic results alone, but it still plays a part.

there are times when i genuinely believe that 'hey i'm not that lousy in the stuff i do'.

then there are times, most of the time, when i feel downright useless.

when you actually think about it, i don't really make a difference in anyone's life anyway.

i've been struggling with this for quite awhile now. something that i find it hard to solve. the problem of feeling that people actually need me.

the question now is do i even deserve to be wanted? do i even have a right to demand that i am needed? its things like these that niggle at me, at late nights like these and when exaustion hits.

i put on a smile, a mask, everyday, and i try to believe that things will get better. but it has never been.

i go for trainings every week and games every weekend believing that, 'it'll be better today'. but it never is.

i talk to her every time, believing that, 'maybe today she'll change her mind once and for all. maybe i actually have a chance now', but of course, it never happens. i wish her the best, as i hope i always have. perhaps it has been wishful thinking from the start. i'm never good enough for her of course.

no looks no brains nor money to pamper her with. it wouldn't have worked.

i try, to have a change of heart, thinking that 'it will be better', but of course never positive ever shows. and the belief that love won't work for me is ever so strenghtened. as much as i try to hold on to my belief that my dreams will come true.

in fact, i currently am trying. but its never enough.

over the years i've talked to many people, kept many secrets, encouraged people when needed. yet i've not learnt to do that to the most important person of all, myself.

i thought that i was good at consoling.

i thought that i was a good friend.

i thought i knew when best to encourage people.

i thought too much.

i just wanna be alone, up on some secluded bridge, or road, or place. and scream everything out.

i just wanna try and be drunk for once, so that maybe, what people say is actually true. that alcohol solves your problems even for awhile.

i just want someone who cares for me, who actually bothers about what happens to me, who'll take care of me for once instead of me doing that.

i dunno, its just too much to bear sometimes.

it feels like you're in this dark dark place alone. and the light that shines upon you is actually growing smaller and smaller.

i wonder where the problem lies within me. or its just all in my mind.

i dunno. i really don't know at all.

its only when i'm tired do these doubts come out and haunt me. so i guess its better that i get them all out.

i don't know whether will i be viewed as a 'thick skinned attention seeking fella' for posting this. but i think that.. caring about that its pointless already.

true friends won't feel that way. if they do, then so be it. i live with my conscience clear, knowing that the aim of writing this was never to seek attention.

its time to sleep, WinterLeague tomorrow. i can only hope for the best.

elipeh signing off. 5:18am.

'i think i can see the novelty in moving to a new country,
you're past is behind you, you're in a new place, leading a new life,
and generally you've got a chance to change everything.
however, the past eventually comes to haunt you again.
eventually.'

---